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Hey Doc Love,
I have been your student for a little over a year now, and what I've learned from you has been invaluable. Especially the part about always listening to your gut instead of thinking wishfully and irrationally. Thank you so much! There's a problem I need help with. There's a nice looking girl that lives in my apartment building that I had spoken with a few times and was fairly sure that she was single. About a week ago I stopped over at her apartment and directly and confidently asked her out for dinner -- in front of her roommate no less! She said yes, but there was a pause before she accepted and her enthusiasm seemed luke warm. Since I was listening to my gut I expected her to stop by in the next day or two and back out and give me a run-of-the mill excuse, but she didn't. Two hours before we were supposed to go out, I started getting cleaned up. My parents always taught me to dress well and look my best -- to be a class act when I take a girl out. I said I was going to be there and I keep my word. As I was getting ready I thought that I had possibly misjudged her. Then, twenty minutes before we were supposed to go out, she comes by my apartment. She must have come from Burger King because she had some whoppers for me. She said that she needed to stay home and study for a test that she had "just found out about." I had to laugh. And of course, there was the trite, "I'm sorry."
My question to you is, what should a guy do when he is 95% sure that a girl is going to break the date and is there any way I can have fun with these girls -- maybe give 'em a dose of their own medicine?
Travis – who wants to know what to do
Hey Travis,
Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The average guy who had never studied "The System" wouldn't have noticed the significance of that telltale pause that your neighbor took before she accepted the date with you. But since you've been on the Doc Love coaching program, you instantly knew that those two extra seconds that she took, even before she half-heartedly said "yes," spelled trouble. So you've asked a great question, Travis. When you're getting half-hearted buying signals from a woman, but she's still saying yes, what do you do? You'd like to say something like, "You know what darlin', you took too long to accept my offer, and in my book, that means that your Interest Level in me is lower than Al Gore's chances of getting elected president. So I'll tell you what. Why don't you just break the date right now instead of a few hours before we're supposed to go out and that way I can save that night for one of the other girls who really want to go out with me." Yep, you'd like to say something to her like that, but you must not. Why not? No matter how calmly and rationally you might try to explain the truth of a situation such as this to a woman, you will be perceived by her as weak and/or uptight. And if she'll be dishonest enough to make a date with you that she plans to break, then she'll continue to lead you astray when you try to have a logic-based dialogue with her. To you Psych majors, she can't say no to a guy's face. In my early days as a junior Love Doctor, conducting field research, I would try to explain things to women who were accepting a date with me while giving me signals that they were going to break it later. I'd tell them that I could tell by their behavior that they weren't really interested and that they could feel free to simply be honest and open with me. And you know what they'd do? Most often they'd say, "Oh no no no, I want to go out with you, really." Then of course something would always "come up" and they'd have to "reschedule". Sometimes they'd even keep the date because their egos couldn't handle the fact that I had busted them on their disingenuous behavior. Even though they knew I was right they'd go out with me just to prove me wrong. But there would never be a second date. Pretty sick, huh? Any way you look at it, trying to talk sense to a stroker is like trying to sell capitalism to a terrorist. Whatever you say, they don't have the capacity to appreciate it and you just wind up getting more frustrated.
Ah, so what is the best thing for you to do when faced with this dating dilemma?
What you should do, Travis, is exactly what you did. Accept the date and plan for it. Clean up your house, your car and yourself and be ready, all the while knowing that she will most likely break the date. Hopefully she won't break it at the last minute, but be prepared for that as well. And why am I telling you to get yourself all locked and loaded for a date that has no more probability of happening than Oprah's marriage to Steadman? Because, when your potential date bails on you, you will then be 100% sure that she is unavailable and not romantically interested in you – for the rest of your life. You'll no longer have any confusion about where you stand with her and you won't be tempted to ever ask her out again. So, in a sense, we want her to break the date because it gives us a fantastic reality check. If instead, you pass on the date with her or, YOU break the date before she does because you're convinced she's going to ultimately break it anyway, then later, especially if you really like her, the possibilities will be eating away at you. You'll be thinking to yourself, "Maybe I judged her too harshly, maybe she's just shy, maybe she's a bit reticent because she had a bad breakup with a guy … etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Taking this fork in the road only creates more uncertainty and confusion. But when you let it play out, then you know what's what. And when she does break the date, Travis, act like it's no big deal. Let her give you her whopper and then politely move on. The idea is that you never want to let a stroker know that she got to you. That just feeds the beast.
Remember, guys: "The System" brings out the best and the worst in women.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about "The System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
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