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There at the magazine section studying this month's Cosmo, there is the most heavens-parting, drop dead gorgeous blonde you've ever seen in your life. You would be on top of the world if you could pick her this girl up.
You shake with fear.
You realize, sadly, that even if you got your balls in gear and went for it, you wouldn't know what to say.
You'd feel so nervous and fumble around so much that you would reject yourself if you were her. So you shy away from even approaching her in the first place.
Does this situation sound familiar? If so, keep reading.
The first thing for you to realize is that almost all guys get anxiety about approaching women. I know I certainly do. But what separates you (and me) from the rest of the guys is...
What You Do About Your Fear.
Most guys let fear paralyze them... not just about chicks, but about other things in their life like their job, following their dreams, etc. ... which is why, unfortunately, most guys will never be successful in life. So first, look at where your fear comes from. It may surprise you. The problem is inside of you. It's not with the chicks.
If you're nervous about rejection, then that means you're making your approaches with a certain outcome in mind. (I'm just guessing, but I think if you're like most guys, your goal is getting chicks attracted to you so that you can have sex with them.)
Try this instead... approach without having any expectations. Zero goals.
As Tyler Durden put it in Fight Club, "Let the chips fall where they may." Stop trying to control your outcome with chicks. Let me tell you about a problem I used to have. I'm inclined to be an introvert, as I discuss in my book "How to Become an Alpha Male". So to overcome my shyness, I would force myself to chat up everybody, no matter who they were... hot chicks, ugly girls, fat tubby women, senior citizens, goofy-looking men, children, families walking their golden retrievers, etc.
I would talk about neutral topics with them, nothing to do with picking up and seducing women. The net result from all of that was I became really good at approaching people. After that, however, I made a blunder. I told myself, "Since I'm so good at approaching people and have become an outgoing guy, why am I wasting time talking to anyone other than hot babes?"
So then I limited the people I talked to... and my anxiety about approaching women swept over me once again. It was as if I'd never had all that practice chatting up strangers in the first place. After a struggle within myself, I realized that my problems were caused by being outcome-dependent. Because I had thoughts like "I'm going to try to lay this chick" in my mind... before I'd even opened my mouth to say "hi"... I put so much pressure on myself to perform in the conversation. That caused me to come off as creepy to girls by appearing to be too interested in them before they had earned my interest. As a result, I would crash and burn. It sucked.
So here's something I want you to try. Whenever you go out, talk to three people, but do it just for practice. Don't do it for real.
Because it's just for practice, don't limit yourself to just talking to hot chicks. In general, I've found that elderly people (both males and females) and fat women are easiest to talk to of all the demographic groups. If it helps, set up a time limit for your practice interactions, for example, that you'll talk to this person you see on the sidewalk for 30 seconds, and then you'll get out of the conversation. (Say something like, "Well, I'm on my way to meeting a friend. Good chatting with you." And then walk away without making a big deal of it.)
Another trick a friend of mine told me was to tell yourself a joke as you make your approach and then laugh. That'll put you in a good mood when you talk to the person. Once you've done your practices and feel warmed up, then you can chat up hot chicks. Again though, do it without having any sort of sex-related outcome in mind.
For example, if a woman passes by you in a hallway, just say (as if you'd just thought of it and it's no big deal), "Hey, I need a quick female opinion on something." (Then ask about something that you genuinely want a female opinion on.)
Remember though: have no outcome in mind. That way you won't care if the chick acts like a bitch.
As a matter of fact, when you reach a point that you've chatted up lots of women, you'll find that negative responses on their part don't phase you one bit. You'll have an attitude like, "Haa, how original... I've had tons of women give me that exact same 'clever' rude comment." I've been rejected hideously, time and time again. One chick screamed "Go away!" at me before I could even get out my initial sentence.
Another time a chick got some guy to try to start a fight with me just because I talked with her. I managed to get away without fighting, but I felt like a total chump afterwards. But now I just look back on all of that and laugh. I've done this so much that rejection usually bores me, but amuses me when it's done in a novel way. Success with women comes from not putting any pressure on myself.
I'll wrap it up for you by concluding with this advice:
1) Be social for the sake of being social. Nothing else.
2) The more you do the thing you fear, the easier it gets, because your attitude about the experiences will become, "Been there, done that, it's no big deal."
John Alexander is author of How to Become an Alpha Male, a dating success guide for men. Find out more about how this guide can help you by visiting How To Become an Alpha Male!
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